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Post by Jens Dietrich on Feb 10, 2005 3:34:04 GMT -8
Guys, I'm baffled here! I'm bamboozled! I've got this piece of cake, on a plate, right? And I can't for the life of me figure out how to eat it!
I have a fork, so I tried pointing the fork at the cake, but it remained uneaten. Then I tried pointing the cake at the fork, but that didn't work either. I tried looking at the cake really hard but that didn't even help me eat the cake at all! Then I tried calling the cake on the phone but it didn't answer!
Help me out! I'm dumbfuddled! I really want to eat this cake but the logistics are just way too much for me! Have any of you eaten a piece of cake before and could give me some pointers? I'm in way over my head here!
I've tried insulting the cake and I've tried paying the cake to be eaten by me, but no go. I'm getting really frustrated.
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Post by pmrsim on Feb 10, 2005 7:37:45 GMT -8
Try imagining it's "Keyra" and just... dig in.
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Post by Jens Dietrich on Feb 10, 2005 8:33:31 GMT -8
Try imagining it's "Keyra" and just... dig in. No, I've known people who have eaten cake who aren't cannibals, so I'm sure there's a way to do it without your complex method. And what do you mean by "dig in". Is some sort of shovel involved? Will I have to do any burrowing? Dig a trench? Prepare soil by loosening or cultivating? Dig the puck out of the corner, whatever that means? Be more specific! Heck, I'm beginning to think you don't know anything about the subject! You've probably never even seen a real piece of cake!
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MikeP
Orchestrator
Posts: 537
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Post by MikeP on Feb 10, 2005 10:11:50 GMT -8
Fool! You have not mentioned what kind of cake it is you are trying to eat. Am I to assume you have not considered this most important variable in your cake consuming calculus? You are extremely lucky to not have injured yourself... let alone the cake.
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Post by Olivier on Feb 10, 2005 15:05:14 GMT -8
Have you thought of hiring a professional? Someone that would show you how to doo it, for a small culinary fee?
;D
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Post by pmrsim on Feb 10, 2005 16:11:38 GMT -8
Try the book "Piece of Cake, Peace of Mind: How to eat a piece of cake" by Nicholas S. Lovejoy.
It may be hard to find though, as it's an OOP leather-bound, limited to 49 copies only edition. But hey, E-bay might have it.
pete.
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Post by Hook on Feb 10, 2005 23:46:36 GMT -8
I'm busy at the moment, but my assistant has offered to help. She is knowledgeable of such things. I will get back to you.
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Post by Jens Dietrich on Feb 11, 2005 17:57:42 GMT -8
Fool! You have not mentioned what kind of cake it is you are trying to eat. Am I to assume you have not considered this most important variable in your cake consuming calculus? This is it: It appears to be some manner of chocolate cheese cake. Can you help me now, please? Try the book "Piece of Cake, Peace of Mind: How to eat a piece of cake" by Nicholas S. Lovejoy. Can't you give me a brief, comprehensive summary?
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Post by pmrsim on Feb 12, 2005 8:56:33 GMT -8
Can't you give me a brief, comprehensive summary? I'm afraid not. It's one of those self-help books that you can't summarize. Like books about overcoming fears or boosting your self esteem, you have to read the whole book for it to have any effect. I mean, I could tell you "lighten up, it doesn't matter", but without the other 832 pages, it's an empty message. pete.
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Post by Jens Dietrich on Feb 12, 2005 11:40:28 GMT -8
I mean, I could tell you "lighten up, it doesn't matter", but without the other 832 pages, it's an empty message. That's not helpful at all. In fact, everyone's replies have been frustratingly unhelpful. Instead of boasting about your own cleverness, Mr. I-Cake-Because-I-Can, how about actually helping out a fellow human being? Seriously, I'm hungry!
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MikeP
Orchestrator
Posts: 537
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Post by MikeP on Feb 12, 2005 16:17:16 GMT -8
This is it: It appears to be some manner of chocolate cheese cake. Can you help me now, please? Dear God, the situation is more serious than I thought. First of all, I notice three kinds of berries: blueberries, red raspberries, and blackberries. Which do you eat first? The red berry or blueberry? Red, blue? I suspect the blackberry is just a decoy. I suggest you just close your eyes, pray, and start with one of the berries. Good luck, we are all counting on you. Of course, it would be silly to think you can do that for the rest of the cake. Try some reverse psychology, where you refuse to eat the cake, and see if that helps any.
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Post by Jens Dietrich on Feb 12, 2005 21:26:34 GMT -8
I suggest you just close your eyes, pray, and start with one of the berries. Good luck, we are all counting on you. Ok, this was an important first step. Thanks. Now that I have closed my eyes the cake is -- according to quantum mechanics -- in a superposition of both eaten and uneaten states. Thus, says Schroedinger, the mere process of observing the cake will collapse its wave function and cause it to enter the "eaten" state (E. Schroedinger, Naturwissenschaften 23 807, [1935], translated to English in "Schroedinger's Cake'', ed B.F. Hummons and I.P. Simonec, Oxford University Press [1981]). I'll try it right now. Nope. Again, simply closing my eyes and praying was just as ineffective as looking at the cake really hard. I don't know what I'm doing wrong! start with one of the berries How can I "start" with anything if you refuse to explain to me the basic procedure I must follow. Please elucidate!
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MikeP
Orchestrator
Posts: 537
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Post by MikeP on Feb 15, 2005 20:05:31 GMT -8
Any luck with the cake? I've been busy embarrassing myself over at other film boards lately, and forgot about your dilemma. I'm no quantum chef, but I think the cake still needs to be in the box for this to work. I'm guessing you already took it out? Sigh... If only cake-eating were as easy as cake-removal-from-box. . .ing. How can I "start" with anything if you refuse to explain to me the basic procedure I must follow. Please elucidate! Silly me, I assumed you have already performed the African Cake Dance. Since you are a white male, I can assume you already know how to do it and just overlooked it, correct?
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Post by Jens Dietrich on Feb 15, 2005 20:15:22 GMT -8
Not yet, but I think I'm getting closer. I'm no quantum chef, but I think the cake still needs to be in the box for this to work. Dammit, you're right! Do you think just puting it back in the box it would get me any closer to eating the cake? Silly me, I assumed you have already performed the African Cake Dance. Since you are a white male, I can assume you already know how to do it and just overlooked it, correct? Is that the one that goes "CUT THE CAKE- give me a little piece let me lick up the cream CUT THE CAKE- well, just a little piece baby you know what I mean CUT THE CAKE- give me a little piece a little lovin' on the side CUT THE CAKE- I need a little piece just to keep me satisfied Chorus gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme that cake Well it tastes so good don't pass it all around gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme that cake You got to cut it-down!" Because if it is, then yes, I have indeed danced to it. Many times. Too bad it doesn't actually contain usable advice on eating the cake.
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Mark
Intern
Posts: 93
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Post by Mark on Feb 15, 2005 21:30:52 GMT -8
Click on cake for fun!! P.S. The accepted utensils for eating cake are a fish knife and a marrow spoon. Buy yours today!
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