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Post by Jens Dietrich on Jan 28, 2005 12:57:54 GMT -8
Let the vicious rants, death threats and insults begin!
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Mac Styran
Ghostwriter
Darth Benedict's Holy Handgranade
Posts: 231
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Post by Mac Styran on Jan 28, 2005 15:57:23 GMT -8
B O L L S H I T, I say. Actually, I'm almost looking forward to see the movie, cause you can learn A LOT from REALLY bad movies. I've seen A LOT of movies ... and by "A LOT" I mean that I can't count them anymore. But Uwe Boll's "House Of The Dead" equals "MANOS" in sheer awefulness. The difference: I laughed about MANOS. And MST3K was there to make us see it from a HEALTHY perspective. No such luck with Boll's films... Back to Alone In The Dark ... lets see ... Careers that end (shame): Christian Slater, Stephen Dorff. Careers that end (what career?): Tara Reid Careers that end (unfortunately it's like an immortal virus): Uwe Boll ... I hope some of my friends get that flick from the net or something, cause I won't spend 1 cent on it.
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Post by Jens Dietrich on Jan 30, 2005 9:17:03 GMT -8
I saw this film Friday evening (but I payed for Sideways, so Boll doesn't get any of my money), and it is the most dumbfounding, confusing thing I've ever seen, despite the fact that it starts with a ten-minute scrolling-text prologue, an extensive flashback and two long voice-over narrations. Still, they fail to explain why the evil professor wants to open the H.P. Lovecraft gate in the first place, how he comes to control the Kothogas, and where he gets the Star Treckian mind-controll bugs he shoves down people's throats.
Any how the deuce could the evil gate-to-hell mine possibly be located right under the orphanage Christian Slater's character grew up in, and not be discovered earlier? And are we really supposed to believe that the measly little explosion Stephen Dork sets off in the end is going to close the bloody GATE TO HELL?!!?
Even more baffling is Tara Reid's role. Except for what has to be the single worst love scene ever projected on a major multiplex screen, she doesn't actually do anything throughout the course of the film. She doesn't even cover much exposition. She just kinda tags along aimlessly.
As for everything else, music, editing, special effects, etc. are all jaw-droppingly horrendous, as was to be expected from Dr. Boll. In many ways, Alone in the Dark is even more inept than House of the Dead, believe it or not.
Even worse, it's dull. Really, really, really dull. As you correcly pointed out: MANOS-LEVEL DULL!
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Mac Styran
Ghostwriter
Darth Benedict's Holy Handgranade
Posts: 231
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Post by Mac Styran on Jan 30, 2005 10:02:31 GMT -8
And the next Boll - Werk (hehe) is already finished ... Bloodrayne. I don't know the game, but I read that he AGAIN only took some names of the characters and re"imagined" the rest. That would of course require IMAGINATION ... so we'll let this point untouched until the first devastating review appear online. I mean, that guy has Kristanna Loken (yummy), Michael Madsen, BEN KINGSLEY, Udo Kier, Geraldine Chaplin, Meat Loaf, Billy Zane, Michelle Rodriguez and Michael Parè for this. What the hell? The script was written by Guinevere Turner (who wrote the screenplay for the pretty good American Psycho). (And, on a sidenote, she looks good: www.imdb.com/gallery/hh/0877587/HH/0877587/kirsten2.jpg?path=pgallery&path_key=Turner,%20Guinevere) Wasted money, talent, time, life ... you name it. Boll .... destroyer of worlds. Ok, careers, whatever. The man's a mystery to me. EDIT: As always, you have to copy and paste the whole link ... *sigh*
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Post by Jens Dietrich on Jan 30, 2005 10:15:10 GMT -8
The script was written by Guinevere Turner (who wrote the screenplay for the pretty good American Psycho). (And, on a sidenote, she looks good.) EDIT: As always, you have to copy and paste the whole link ... *sigh* Fixed. This is how you do it, for future reference. If you want to read something really, really scary, check out this interview (I know it's old, but what the hell): Behold the mind-boggling idiocy that is Uwe Boll. Also bear in mind that the guy has a frickin' doctorate's degree in literature.And another one, this time about Dungeon Siege.The guy wasn't allowed to attend the press screening of his own movie, for crying out loud: Also, seems like Alone in the Dark isn't doing so good at the box office. Rottentomatoes.com writes: According to the Box Office Mojo Weekend Estimate, it made only $1,177 per theater! There is a God, after all! Let's pray this seriously hurts Boll's future distribution deals.
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Mac Styran
Ghostwriter
Darth Benedict's Holy Handgranade
Posts: 231
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Post by Mac Styran on Jan 30, 2005 16:24:26 GMT -8
Damn funny. You could kick his ass, set his clothes on fire and squash his car with a tank ... he'd stand there and ask you if "you don't like him or what?". ;D But look at Rottentomatoes ... House Of The Dead 4 %. And that movie was bottom of the barrell. Alone In The Dark : 1 % !! 70 (!) negative reviews and just 1 positive. I read the latter and think she's dillusional. Or plain mad. She sure is incompetent. Well well ... can't wait to see the film, actually. Strange affection for evil, you know?
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Post by Demetris Christodoulides on Jan 31, 2005 11:08:47 GMT -8
(And, on a sidenote, she looks good: ) here Indeed!!!!
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Post by Jens Dietrich on Jan 31, 2005 12:42:06 GMT -8
Well well ... can't wait to see the film, actually. Strange affection for evil, you know? Well, I'm pretty sure you at least won't be disappointed. This movie is a little gem of crap. From start to finish, unbelievable! It'd be funny if it didn't claim to be based on one of my favorite horror games of all time. Say if it wasn't called Alone in the Dark but A Special Forces Unit in an Abandoned Mine. How about Dr. Boll's House of Horrors?
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Post by Olivier on Jan 31, 2005 13:12:07 GMT -8
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Post by Jens Dietrich on Jan 31, 2005 13:18:15 GMT -8
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Post by Olivier on Jan 31, 2005 13:26:42 GMT -8
Google (images) missed that site by a thousand miles!
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Post by Olivier on Jan 31, 2005 14:30:24 GMT -8
Let the vicious rants, death threats and insults begin! Zero interest in the movie, but some reviews are great fun to read! ;D Who is our hero, you ask? None other than Christian Slater, the "go-to" guy after you've already gone to Bruce Willis, then Billy Zane, then Skeet Ulrich, then Richard Grieco, then Dolph Lundgren, then the guy who cleans your pool, and they've all said "no."( www.moviejuice.com/2005/alone.htm ) If nothing else, Alone in the Dark proves that it's possible to "dumb down" a video game. ( www.guidelive.com/portal/page?_pageid=33,97283&_dad=portal&_schema=PORTAL&item_id=28975 ) As video game adaptations go, even "Pong: The Movie" would have a lot more personality.( www.hollywoodreporter.com/thr/reviews/review_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1000779279 ) Hey, why not? Forigve me if I've already given you this link, but it's proof a video game movie can really be good: www.ratcong.com/gravity.htm One more for the road: And if our expectations for Tara Reid are low, also understandable in these circumstances, she still does not quite manage to live up to them. The pixels in the CGI monsters give a more believable performance than she does. Preposterously cast as an archeologist, with her hair pulled back and drugstore black-rimmed specs on her nose, she delivers her lines as though she is calling for another round of Mai Tais for the house. And no one seems to have explained to her that in English, the interrogative is usually expressed with a rising inflection. ( movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hv&id=1808495833&cf=parentsguide ) Doesn't seem too good, uh? Darn, can't stop-- here's another: If you are alone in the dark with "Alone in the Dark," be sure to bring chewing gum – it will provide entertainment.( entertainment.signonsandiego.com/profile?fid=22&id=273977 )
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Mac Styran
Ghostwriter
Darth Benedict's Holy Handgranade
Posts: 231
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Post by Mac Styran on Jan 31, 2005 15:40:29 GMT -8
Aaaaargh-- she only likes girls ! What a shame! She won't able to marry me! Join the club! If you know Portia De Rossi (Nell on Ally MacBeal ... or Arrested Development) ... she's into girls too ... (Ellen DeGeneres as a matter of fact). Another sweeeeeeet babe lost... ADDITION: It's Portia's birthday today ... Congrats, if you read this, baby. And I'm SUUUURE you do!
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Mac Styran
Ghostwriter
Darth Benedict's Holy Handgranade
Posts: 231
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Post by Mac Styran on Jan 31, 2005 15:41:14 GMT -8
Jens, nice to see that you like my "Bollsh*t" idea.
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Mac Styran
Ghostwriter
Darth Benedict's Holy Handgranade
Posts: 231
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Post by Mac Styran on Jan 31, 2005 15:52:12 GMT -8
A look at the latest ... and hopefully LAST Boll picture: media.cinema-post.de/BRay_TTeas.mpgBloodrayne looks worse than your average Xena episode. And I liked Xena (yummy Gabrielle > Reneè O'Connor), so I take that back. Right from the trailer you can see what films they're about to assrape again ...
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