Post by Mac Styran on Jan 11, 2005 21:03:58 GMT -8
A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”<br>
“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”<br>
“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”<br>
“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”<br>
Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”<br>
“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.
“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”<br>
The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”<br>
“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.
“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”<br>
“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”<br>
“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”<br>
“Because you got an F in sex.”<br>
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advancedage, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!"
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After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke....
The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens after when its over?".
The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will go down". "But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!"
This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news... So he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets a hard-on.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?"
“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”<br>
“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”<br>
“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”<br>
Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”<br>
“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.
“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”<br>
The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”<br>
“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.
“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”<br>
“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”<br>
“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”<br>
“Because you got an F in sex.”<br>
----------------------------------------
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advancedage, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!"
------------------------------------------
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke....
The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens after when its over?".
The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will go down". "But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!"
This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news... So he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets a hard-on.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?"