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Post by tharpdevenport on May 18, 2005 19:34:26 GMT -8
Here you go baby:
A 90 year old man goes to a brothel. The mistriss asks: "Sir, how old are you?" "90," he replies. "90? Sir, don't you know you;ve already had it?" "I have," he looks puzzled, "how much do I owe you?"
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An old man goes into a confessional... "Forgive me father, for I have sined." "It's okay my son. What did you do?" "Yesterday I picked up two teenage girls and took then to a motel and had sex with both of them twice." "How old are you?" "92." "92? What kind of catholic are you?" "I'm Jewish." "Then why are you telling me this?" "I'm telling EVERYONE!!!!!"
;D
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A ship with a dog, a man and a pig crashes in a desert ilse. Late one night, while lying on their backs, the man rolls over and starts whispering sweet nothings into the pigs ears. The dog says, "Hey! You leave that pig alone!"
The next day, a beautiful women gets stranded on the ilse. Late at night while they are all lying on their backs, looking at the starts, the man leans over and whispers, "Hey ... can you take the dog for a walk?"
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Post by Demetris Christodoulides on May 18, 2005 23:08:47 GMT -8
"Then why are you telling me this?" "I'm telling EVERYONE!!!!!" lol!
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Post by tharpdevenport on May 19, 2005 15:03:45 GMT -8
More:
So this guy walks into a bar and says, "OW!"
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Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine both say? A: Insert Bill Here.
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Knock knock. Who's there? Michael Jackson in. Michael Jackson in who? AGH!!!!!
(Made it up myself)
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Post by Jangles on May 23, 2005 14:25:11 GMT -8
I have to agree with Demetris, the one that ends with "I'm telling everyone" is hilarious and the best one,.
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Post by tharpdevenport on May 23, 2005 17:45:11 GMT -8
Memo to all employees: In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).
Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T..
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely, The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training. (The D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.).
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Post by tharpdevenport on Jun 2, 2005 19:55:12 GMT -8
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting co-
MOO!!!
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Yeah. It sucks. But you got to admit - it's fun at least once.
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Post by tharpdevenport on Jun 27, 2005 12:20:29 GMT -8
From a post on another score board:
ZEN THOUGHTS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe .
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember: half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, didn't get the joke.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria: they're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable - except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse; It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. Those of you who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
23. Okay, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. If everything is coming your way, than you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36 . Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
(I noted most were bumper stickers)
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Post by tharpdevenport on Jul 18, 2005 19:50:49 GMT -8
I can't believe I forgot this one!:
;D
This Swedish girl walks into a bar and sits on a stool. "What'll you take?" asks the bartender. "Ummm," she says in a thick Swedish accent. "How about some Budweiser? "NOooo," she replies. He thinks and then says, "Anheuser-Busch?" "Fine, and how's your willy?"
;D
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Post by tharpdevenport on Jul 20, 2005 21:48:53 GMT -8
Q: What is the coldest part of a man's body? A: His balls - they're two below.
;D
Q: What did Adam say to Eve when he first saw her? A: "Get out of the way! I don't know how big this thing gets!!!"
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Post by Demetris Christodoulides on Jul 20, 2005 23:26:59 GMT -8
haha the Adam one is cool Justin
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Post by tharpdevenport on Oct 27, 2005 20:40:53 GMT -8
Three dumb, pregnant blones to to the doctor. The first one says, "I think I'm going to have a boy because I was on the bottom." The second one says, "I think I'm going to have a girl because I was on top." The third starts craying. "What's wrong?" they ask her. "I think I'm going to have puppies!"
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Post by tharpdevenport on Aug 21, 2006 12:35:09 GMT -8
Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
A: Doughnuts!
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Post by tharpdevenport on Feb 8, 2007 15:01:52 GMT -8
Heard these on the radio:
1. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa.
2. I have two wives, and I treat them both nicely. Isn't that big of me?
3. Have you heard about the new movie, "Constapated"? It hasn't come out yet.
4. This guy meets a beautiful girl. He eventually asks her name. "Carmen," she replies. "Pretty name," he says. "It's a combination of my two favorite things: cars and men." "Really, I did that too," replies the man. "What's your name?" she asks. "Golftits."
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Post by Jon Broxton on Feb 8, 2007 15:34:52 GMT -8
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa. Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
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Post by pmrsim on Feb 8, 2007 17:21:47 GMT -8
"Zen Thoughts" is the best laugh I've had in a looong time. Cheers!
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