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Post by Armin on Apr 26, 2005 22:48:12 GMT -8
This is for Jangles especially:
"What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?" "On or off."
Any other ones you guys know?
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Post by Armin on Apr 26, 2005 22:49:38 GMT -8
Double post...
"What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra?" "The bull has the horns in front and the asshole on the back..."
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Post by Jangles on Apr 27, 2005 8:20:30 GMT -8
Heh. Here is one just for you, Armin...
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
How do you make a french horn sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
;D
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Post by Armin on Apr 27, 2005 8:45:49 GMT -8
The french horn french horn joke is lame, but the other one is ok. This is much better:
Why is the french horn a divine instrument? Because you blow into it, but only God knows what'll come out on the other side...
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Post by Armin on Apr 27, 2005 8:47:18 GMT -8
And to include more people:
How many second violins does it take to change a light bulb? None. They can't get up that high.
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Post by Demetris Christodoulides on Apr 28, 2005 6:03:15 GMT -8
haha nice ones, keep 'em coming! ;D
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Post by Armin on Apr 28, 2005 6:15:03 GMT -8
Patrick Doyle, James Horner and Rachel Portman each conduct the same orchestra one after the other. First comes Patrick Doyle. At the end of the piece he stops and says: "That was very good, ladies and gentlemen, just the 5th stand 2nd violins in bar number 478 was a little bit flat, so that threw out the A minor 7th chord." Everybody is astouned and impressed. Next is James Horner. Everything done he notes, "bar 230, 2nd trombone played the wrong note, so we didn't get the right harmony there." Poeple are impressed again. Next day, Rachel Portman comes on stage. The orchstra comes to a gran pausa (a bar without anybody playing), and the bass drum, having miscounted the bars, hits a fortissimo note in it. Rachel Portman, red like a tomatoe and pissed off like hell turn around and screams: "Who the fuck was that??"
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Post by Jangles on Apr 28, 2005 12:49:13 GMT -8
Um, you made that last joke up (either that or you subsituted names), Armin. I suggest sticking to the already established ones No offense man, but instead of a joke, it more or less seemed like you once again expressing your hatred for Portman. I like the idea that an LA/London studio trombone player would play a wrong note though...very cute. ;D
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Post by Armin on Apr 28, 2005 20:16:18 GMT -8
Ok. No.1 conductor is (insert great conductor's name like Karajan, Celibidache, Ferrara, Haitink, ...)
No.2 conductor is (insert good conductor's name)
No.3 conductor is (your local crappy conductor, somebody you don't like or want to make fun of)
Tough guys you are. The joke shall be with you.
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Post by Jangles on Apr 28, 2005 20:24:27 GMT -8
Well, I understood the joke man It was a decent joke but didn't have me LOL.
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Post by Armin on Apr 28, 2005 22:33:11 GMT -8
How many trombone players does it need to change a light bulb? 5. One to hold the bulb and 4 to rotate the table.
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Mark
Intern
Posts: 93
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Post by Mark on Apr 29, 2005 23:51:12 GMT -8
Armin, being a keyboard player (and also an orchestral percussionist - you know, marimba, vibes, xylophone, etc.) with a heart and somewhat of a brain, please allow me say that synthesizers will never replace real instrumen...uh? What? Oh, you mean, they have?
No, seriously - there is no way that synthesizers can replace real instruments (Sigh. I wish someone would tell Media Ventures that).
I love real trombonists, french horn players, tuba players...all the brasses and reeds.
Half of these "unemployed trombone player" jokes wouldn't even make any sense - if it wasn't true. Armin, I'm so happy you have a gig, and Joey (Jangles) please don't give up the trombone for lack of gigs. I know several happily married trombonists - with houses, cars, kids, food on the table.
The following couple of "jokes" are not jokes, but factoids[/b] - experienced first-hand by me, although I am not the writer of these "jokes", and neither are they "factual". But seeing the musical tastes of the general music-listening public, they are (sadly) more often than not - in our society - true. Oh, shoot, I'm being Captain Bringdown again. Anyway:
Q. How do you get an electric guitar player to play softer? A. Put sheet music in front of them.
Q. What do you get when you play New Age music backwards? A. New Age music.
More joke-y than factual:
Q. How does a trombonist keep up with his/her gigs? A. A Year-At-A-Glance calendar.
Q. How many Recording Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? A. Just one, but the new bulb will have to be biased, re-calibrated, and bench-tested. It'll take about two hours.
Q. Why do alto clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboard? A. So they can park in "Handicapped Parking".
And as a coda:
String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."
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Post by Armin on Apr 30, 2005 1:05:05 GMT -8
Nice. The handicapped alto clarinet I heard with a viola though. Seems like all jokes about being dumb, handicapped, useless and so on are mostly about viola players. Like:
What is a good viola player? A second violin.
What is the differece between a violin and a viola? The viola burns longer.
What is the range of a viola? As far as you can throw it.
What is the longest viola joke? Harold in Italy.
Ok, the last one is very insider. Harold in Italy is a piece of orchestra and solo viola by Hector Berlioz. It's not technically a viola concerto, but sort of.
P.S. Death to synths., the most crappy sounding "instruments" and "instrument replacements" ever. They are like saxophones: as long as they play mysic intended for them they are fine, but as soon as they try to "steal" repertoire from other instruments they suck big time.
P.P.S. Are you a pro, Mark, on the way to, or freelance? I don't know exactly what Jangles is doing, but from earlier posts I suppose he is an assistant of some sort in some orchestra. I really hope he can get a gig!
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Post by Jangles on Apr 30, 2005 11:12:43 GMT -8
I'll clear up my situation for you Armin. I am a college student and was a music major first year. Now I am a computer science major, though I still practice my ass off, take lessons, play in school ensembles, etc. However, no one in the brass department really gives a s*** about me anymore, either as a brass player or a "chum". I am never in on gigs or when they hangout, despite the fact I am just as good a player and "socializer" or whatever. My private teacher is still trying to convert me back, but meh to him. I am behind in school, and I need to finish...and I need to work. I have put a ton of work and TIME into bass trombone, and I enjoy it much, but it may have to go. I can't stand just 'playing' trombone for fun. If I don't have time to practice and improve, then it is no fun for me, however twisted that sounds. All this hard work is really affording me nothing now, at all. I may want to go hardcore into computer science and go to Georgia Tech (right across the street from me practically) or somewhere cool like DigiPen. People who go here have to work like crazy, and hardly have time for social life, which is why it's "hardcore", which is also okay since I really don't have much of one now anyways. I would really like to get in the gaming industry perhaps. I don't just want to get a computer science degree and program boring software for a boring company.
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Post by Armin on Apr 30, 2005 12:05:34 GMT -8
Ok, that makes sense, too. I thought your reference to "cleaning spittle for the brass section" was a bit more in the professional direction. I am sorry to hear about your trouble. It definitely is a vey selective world out there. On the other side... there are quite some not-too-high-profile orchestras looking for good musicians. But you are going in another direction anyways. More money, that's for sure. Unfortunately less fun, I guess, but definitely less trouble. I am glad you take the music seriously though, and don't worry about the usual dickheads at College - they will never amount to anything in life.
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