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Post by Southall on Feb 10, 2007 5:40:07 GMT -8
A man goes to the doctor.
"Doctor, I think my wife is dead."
"Why do you think that?"
"Well, the sex is the same as it's always been, but the ironing is really piling up."
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Post by indy2003 on Feb 10, 2007 5:45:33 GMT -8
A man goes to the doctor. "Doctor, I think my wife is dead." "Why do you think that?" "Well, the sex is the same as it's always been, but the ironing is really piling up." Did you just watch "A Prairie Home Companion"? Back at ya later
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Post by Southall on Feb 10, 2007 5:51:02 GMT -8
A man goes to the doctor. "Doctor, I think my wife is dead." "Why do you think that?" "Well, the sex is the same as it's always been, but the ironing is really piling up." Did you just watch "A Prairie Home Companion"? Back at ya later No - don't tell me they stole my joke! (Actually I think I heard it on the radio about 10 years ago. I still roll it out on occasion when the mood feels right!)
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Post by indy2003 on Feb 10, 2007 5:53:56 GMT -8
Did you just watch "A Prairie Home Companion"? Back at ya later No - don't tell me they stole my joke! (Actually I think I heard it on the radio about 10 years ago. I still roll it out on occasion when the mood feels right!) Yeah, I'm afraid they stole it. John C. Reilly and Woody Harrelson sing a song called "Bad Jokes", and throw out fifteen or so jokes that would fit nicely into this thread. Back at ya later
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Post by Yavar Moradi on Feb 10, 2007 13:47:08 GMT -8
I saw that movie for the first time recently. Loved it.
But then my mother and grandmother are fans of the radio show...
Yavar
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Post by tharpdevenport on Mar 5, 2007 13:26:29 GMT -8
I made this one up last night. Hope you all like it: This guy finds a lamp. He rubs it hoping for a genie. Sure enough, one pops out. "I am the all powerful gay genie." "Gay genie? I still get three wishes, right?" "Yes. I am just like a normal genie except gay. But it'll take a bit before each wish comes true." "Three wishes, right?" asked the man. "Yes," replied the genie. "Okay," he says, and so the man takes a week to think it over. After the poundering he picks up the lamp and rubs it, "I'd like 10 million dollars!" He looks around and doesn't see any money. So he assumes it'll show up in his bank account. He rubs it a second time saying, "I'd love a beautiful wife!" He looks around, doesn't see her, and assumes she'll walk in the door in a few minutes, so with that he rubs it a third time saying, "I'd like to have perfect health for the rest of my life.". An hour goes by and none of these things come to pass, so he rubs again and again until the genie comes out. "Genie," he says, "what happened? I rubbed the lamp!" The genie smiles, "That wasn't the lamp you rubbed, but you made my wish come true..."
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Post by tharpdevenport on May 12, 2007 12:13:09 GMT -8
Little Melissa comes from Chance Cove Newfoundland and attends First Grade. After school she tells her father that they learned about The History of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, I was wondering if I gave a Valentine to someone who was not, will God get mad at me for giving them a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little Newfoundland Christian girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent a Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new-found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, our Canadian Soldiers can shoot the fucker!"
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Post by tharpdevenport on Aug 28, 2007 13:29:34 GMT -8
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices a peg leg, a hook on one hand, and an eye patch.
"Can I get you something to drink?" "Arrg, yes." "Okay. Hey, how'd you loose the foot?" "A wave crashed over the shi pand took me with it and the foot caught onto something and ripped it right off." "Tha'ts terrible. What about the hand?" "Same thing; anotherblasted wave swept me across the deck nad got me hand." "And the eye?" "A bird pooped in it." "A bird pooped in your eye so you cut it out?" "No ... arrg ... that was hte first day with me hook."
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Post by indy2003 on Aug 28, 2007 21:26:13 GMT -8
So this guy from out of town hears about this great little restaurant. "Be sure to try their chili," a friend advises him. Feeling hungry, the guy goes to this great little restaurant.
"What can I get for you?" the waiter asks?
"I'd like to try some of that world-famous chili," the guy replies.
"Unfortunately, we've just run out of it, sir. Can I get you anything else?"
The guy is disappointed, but he begrudgingly orders a steak. As the guy is waiting on his steak, he notices the fellow at the table next to him has a bowl of chili. This other fellow is just sitting there, staring at his bowl, not taking a bite.
"Excuse me, are you going to eat that?"
"No," says the man.
"Mind if I have it?"
"Go ahead."
So, the guy gratefully takes the bowl of chili, and eats it. When he is almost finished with the chili, he makes a horrible discovery... there's a dead rat at the bottom of the bowl. Disgusted beyond all belief, the guy vomits, spewing all the chili right back into the bowl.
The fellow at the other table chuckles. "Yeah, I did the exact same thing."
Back at ya later
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Post by tharpdevenport on Feb 11, 2008 14:28:54 GMT -8
Four nuns die and go to Heaven.
As they arrive at the gates, Saint Peter holds them back, "Not so fast; because of all the scandals happening, you have to confess your sins before you can enter.
They get in line and the first nun comes up and says, "I touched the head of a penis once." Peter replies, "Say one hail Mary and dip the finger in that pound of holy water." The next nun comes up, "I jerked a guy off once." "At least you admitted it. One hail Mary and dip your hand in the holy water." He looks over and sees the last two nuns fighting, "Sisters! Sisters! What ever is the matter?" "Saint Peter, if I gotta gargle with that stuff, I wann do it before Sister May Thomas sticks her ass in it!"
This gay guy wakes up to a bunch of noise and walks into the living room. He sees his boyfriend whacking off into a small brown lunch bag, "wyhat are you doing?" "I'm packing your lunch!!!"
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Post by tharpdevenport on Feb 12, 2008 13:26:39 GMT -8
These nuns are paiting the inside of a chapel building during the summer. It gets so hot that they decide to take their cloths all off since no one else is around. Sure enough, ten minutes into the painting a knock comes at the door. One of the nuns waddles to the door and asks, "Who's there?" "Blind man," comes a reply from a man. "Blind man?" "Yeah." So they nod there heads and agree to let him in. After a few minutes of standing there and looking around he finally says, "Nice tits sisters. Now where do you want the blinds?"
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Post by TJ on Feb 13, 2008 17:09:48 GMT -8
are these supposed to be the "so bad it's good" type?
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Post by tharpdevenport on Feb 14, 2008 12:03:13 GMT -8
No, they're the good ones.
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Post by tharpdevenport on May 5, 2008 10:27:59 GMT -8
This black guy is walking down a sidewalk and passes a white man jumping on a trampeline, yelling, "21! 21!". He looks at him funny, and continues walking. A half-hour later he comes strolling back by on his way home and sees the man still jumping, yelling "21! 21!". Finally, curiousity gets the better and he goes over and asks, "Why are you yelling '21'?" "Oh," replies the other man, "it feels great! Happiness is what you make it. If you shout it loud enough and often enough, you'll feel great! Just try it," and he gets off the trampeline. The black guy climbs up on it and slowly bounces up and down saying "21". "No, no -- you got to feel it!" "21!" "Louder!" says the white guy. "21!!!" "More!" "21!!! 21!!! 21!!!" 2-" just then hte white guy slides the trampeline out from under him and the black guy fall into a deep, dark hole. The white guy slides it back into place covering the hole, then gets back on and jumps, "22! 22!"
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Post by Southall on May 5, 2008 14:24:55 GMT -8
Is that actually a joke, or just a hate-filled piece of racism?
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